


Get Out of Your Own Way

by kbl55429



Series: you are allowed to change. [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 13:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kbl55429/pseuds/kbl55429
Summary: Sometimes you have to lose yourself to discover who you might yet be. Sometimes what feels like breaking down is really just breaking free.





	1. Self-Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> Everything that happened in the books along with some elements from the show (Alec being the head of the institute) is the same here except Alec and Magnus don't get back together.

Alec couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't pretend he was alright when he wasn't. He used to love being a Shadowhunter, he loved the sense of duty, he loved to protect but what was the point of it all when he couldn't protect the ones he cared about most. His little brother died, he had driven away the one person who help make sense of it all. He didn't know who he was anymore, he was always so sure of himself but now what was he? This world would be better off without him in it, Jace, Izzy would be better off.

Everything was crushing in on him, he hadn't been on a hunt in weeks, he hardly ate and he hardly ate or slept. He had resigned as head of the institute, his people needed a leader, someone who was capable of being the best and that wasn't him right now. Hell he didn't even know if he even wanted to be a Shadowhunter anymore.

He needed help but he knows that his society didn't care about feelings. Shadowhunters were supposed to be warriors and that was something he wasn't anymore. He wasn't anything anymore, he was unlovable and the longer it got the worse it got.

He remembers the day that Magnus left clearly, its etched in his mind, he had thrown away the only thing he had left that was good. He knows he shouldn't have gone to Camille and he knows that he would never have taken his life away but he just wanted to know more about him. And every time he would bring it up Magnus would deflect. But he should have been patient but he was never known for his patience and he shouldn't have gone to the one person that Magnus depised and it cost him.

After the final war was over and Johnathan was killed once and for all he tried to explain but Magnus still wanted nothing to do with him. Magnus looked at him in the eye and told him to never contact him again and that's when he broke. Before he was cracked but now he was two pieces forever broken and alone.

So here he was packing his bags, he had to get out of here, the same four walls were closing in on him more and more everyday. Perhaps maybe one day he'll come back when his mind was in the right place but for now he was leaving it all behind. Maybe he'd travel, he went around the world with Magnus once but now he needed to find out who he was but by himself.

He sat down at his desk and wrote teo letters, one to his siblings and the other to Magnus. He didn't just want to leave everything unsaid. He needed them to know that eventually he would be ok.

He had planned on leaving all traces of his Shadowhunter life behind but decided at the last moment to take a seraph blade and his stele. He would use the portal rune Clary created and would leave in the early morning. It was time for him for once to choose his own fate.

 


	2. You Are Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy finds a letter.

Izzy knocked on Alec's door to see if he was ok but when no one answered she walked in and didn't see him anywhere. She was about to walk out but saw am envelope on his bed addressed to her and Jace and she opened it.

  
_Izzy and Jace,_

_I know I haven't been the best of myself lately and for that I'm sorry. But now after everything, I need to rediscover myself. I don't feel like a Shadowhunter anymore, there were only three things in my life I was sure of. My sense of duty, my love for Magnus and my love for you guys._

_But now two of those things are gone and too many things have happened that there's no coming back from. It's time I choose who I want to be for myself and not what others choose for me._

_But please never doubt my love for you both, that's still there and I don't want you guys to feel like you weren't enough because you are. But I never wanted you guys to have to take care of me the way you have and I know you would have continued. I don't want to be someone else's burden anymore._

_I know you'll be angry at first and that's ok because you have every right to be but I just need time and space to figure it all out._

_I'll keep in touch but please all I ask of you is to not search for me and to let me do this my own way._

_Love always,_

_Alec_

  
After reading it the tears rolled down her face and she brought the letter to Jace.

She found Jace in the training room, he must have see the pain and anger in her eyes, “Izzy what's wrong?” Izzy didn't say anything she just handed him the letter and Jace read it.

Izzy could see the hurt and pain in his eyes and the tears that he was fighting to hold back. Not knowing what else to do, Izzy hugged her brother where they stayed for what felt like hours.

 


	3. Goodbye My Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finds a letter.

Magnus heard a knock on his door and went to open it. He looked around but didn't notice anybody and as he went to shut the door an envelope on the floor caught his eye.

He picked it up and saw his name so he opened it.

 

_Magnus,_

_I don't know if you'll even read this letter but I had to try. I know you said you didn't want anything to do with me anymore and to never contact you again but I needed this one last time. One last time before I leave New York._

_So here it goes._

_Words cannot describe how sorry I am for everything. I know I hurt you and betrayed your trust and I never should have went to Camille but you hurt me too._

_All I ever wanted was to know you better, your past and all, you had known so much about me but I knew hardly anything about you. In hindsight I realize the way I went about it was wrong. But patience has never been something I was good at._

_But I want you to know that I do love you, I love you with all my heart. And I know the feeling isn't mutual, well not anymore so I wanted to let you know that I'm leaving New York for a little while. You were one of the few things I was sure about in this world that and my sense of duty but both of them are now gone._

_These past few weeks have been hell, I feel like a shadow of myself. I no longer feel like a Shadowhunter so I'm taking the time to choose who I want to be and not what others tell me I should be._

_Magnus, you were my first and probably only love. And I'll continue to love you till the day I die. Please take care of yourself._

_One last time. Aku cinta kamu_

_Always yours,_

_Alexander_

 

When Magnus finished the letter he noticed the tears rolling down his cheeks. Did Alexander really feel like he didn't love him anymore because he most certainly did. But he definitely gave him reasons to believe that.

He just had a hard time looking at him without seeing the betrayal. He understands why he did it and wishes he could change the things he said to him.

But there was nothing he could do about it now but he was happy Alexander went to find himself.  Even though he would miss him like crazy but if anyone deserved it it was Alexander.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was all written in one night so I figured I put it all out at once. I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Sorry if I translated I love you wrong.


End file.
